Which Premier League Player are You?

Somewhere on a pitch, at this very moment, a man is either bending a ball into the top corner or falling over his own feet in front of forty thousand people. Both of these men earn more than a small nation's GDP. The question is not whether you're built for that kind of pressure. The question is which flavour of it.

There are two types of footballer. Actually there are many more than two, which is the whole point. There's the quiet one who never speaks to the press and then casually wins Player of the Season. There's the showman who celebrates a routine pass like he's just cured something. There's the captain who yells at everybody, and the one nobody notices until he's not there, at which point the entire defence collapses like a folding chair.

This quiz sorts people into these categories using ten questions of dubious scientific merit. It wants to know what happens when nobody's watching and there are thirty free minutes on the table. It has opinions about how a person handles losing 1–0 with the clock running down. It even asks about Sunday mornings, because a soul is a soul whether it's sprinting down the wing or lying face-down after brunch.

Some people are silent geniuses who let the work speak. Some are the ultimate team player, the human glue holding the group together while pretending it's no big deal. And some, bless them, are showboats who would do a backflip to open a door.

None of these is wrong. One of them is simply, factually, correct about you, and the internet is about to tell you which. No boots required. No offside rule to memorise. Just ten questions, a small amount of honesty, and the faint suspicion that the result is going to be a bit too accurate.

The whistle's gone. Off you pop.